Try.

Tired.
That's not going to be an excuse anymore.
It's all mental.
You really can do anything you put your mind to.
Muster up the strength to push on, just don't take too long.
I am changing.
Not just my outer appearance, but on the inside as well.
If I can do this and succeed
what can I really completely fail at?
This is part of what I always wanted!
It's coming all coming together.
When I succeed at this, what next?
This is my goliath.

I have choices to make and they have to be quick.
I pray I make the right ones.
When I'm weak...
all I can do is try.
and when I try hard enough and for the right amount of time
I WILL succeed. I AM a success <3

Shake Hands With My Demons

No one cares.
No one will EVER care.
Until life shows you differently, but don't count on that.
What you go through is YOURS to go through.
You are at fault for whatever you go through. Good and bad.
You and only you will care about yourself.
No one is offering a hand.
Even if they did, you wouldn't take it.
You believe they're only offering as a means to their own end.
Love, marriage, family? Forget it.
That's a far off land from this hell you created. YES YOU!
You won't be completely loved, it's not in the cards for you.
You made yourself cold and callous.
Always so defensive when you want to relax and be free.
You want to express love
but you're so hatefully tainted by the world.
And that's YOUR FAULT.
You don't want pity from anyone.
You struggle to get through the day.
You just won't let anyone see that.
You want to be seen as strong and capable.
Life is throwing you some situations, and that seems like that's all you can be.
You really do fuck up and go to the extremes. A LOT.
It's not because of the world. It's because of YOU!

First & Foremost, Me

My real name is Selena Martina Orona Hernandez.
A random chick of simple means.

I decided to venture out on a weight loss journey going on 5 months ago.
I'll try and be as orderly with my story as possible.
As of today April 11th, 2014 I am down 62 pounds. Lots of baggage off me.

I was always the fat girl with a skinny chicks soul. I could never identify with my body even as far as back in Kindergarten. All I knew was that I loved food & if there was some available, I was having it, and I was having A LOT of it.
Mom always made food in bulk, so I was always the kid whose food pretty much blocked their view when they were eating dinner. I thought this was pretty normal and always felt that I had to finish everything on the plate even though these were large adult sizes. I don't blame my mother because if it's one thing I can say is that she always provided plenty of food.I ALWAYS felt insecure about my weight. I think I am what's known as an emotional eater. Feeling horrible? Have another slice of pizza. Feeling happy? make a sandwich, you get where I'm going with this. So everything somehow became associated with food. Everyone on my mothers side of the family knew how to bake and cook like the pros so me being young, I accepted whatever because I thought my eating habits were the norm and I didn't exactly see any correlation between my weight, lack of exercise and what I was eating.I always felt different from other kids because of my weight but my self esteem was in tact but even in kindergarten I would compare myself to other girls. The older I became the more self conscious I was about my weight. I remember wanting to be so thin in middle school but it just wasn't happening. The guys I liked, I wouldn't even dare go after them because in my own words, I knew damn well they'd have NOTHING to do with me in the whole dating realm. I did however remain very close to guys yet I always kept a safe distance because I knew it just wasn't happening. I wasn't their "material".  Even though I was a beautiful girl, and I had some guys hit on me, and yes I did date a few, but I felt like shit.

High school came and it was the worst turning point for my self esteem. Funny thing is, I was never teased, bullied, or criticized for my weight. Most of what I felt about myself came from me. I was always my worst enemy. Sure, I'd get the occasional joke or jab but nothing too intense. I suffered from horrible depression sophomore year. I felt so fucking alone, had horrible anxiety problems, and I tried to kill myself without anyone knowing. One of the culprits was because of how I felt about myself. Go figure. It was the hardest time in my life and I never reached out to anyone because I felt no one would take me seriously or would care.

Junior year was alright. Anxiety wasn't as bad but the depression was still very much alive. Still had shitty self esteem and to top that off I was rejected by the guy who I trusted most out of anyone and loved. I thought he was the one and if I tried my best to be good for him, he'd come around and love me to. Not the case. I was used and got nothing out of it. He made a few jabs at my weight. MY FUCKING WEIGHT. I still stayed around though. Eventually he'd come around right?

NOT.I started senior year and I didn't make it through to the next semester. The weight of everything came crashing down on me and I just dropped out. I felt shitty about myself, couldn't concentrate, was so stressed out for the future, and I could have used somebody being there but they were off with the skinny beautiful people and fuck my problems because I'm like sub human right? Gotcha.